Office Rules
by Racing Capybaras
Summary: Team Gibbs attempts to learn how to behave under the guidelines in the new NCIS Employee Conduct Handbook. This story is made up of a collection of one-shot drabbles which don't directly relate to each other.
1. The Handbook

**I've had this idea for a couple of months now, and wanted to give it a try. **

**Sorry for any spelling/grammatical errors. I wrote this quickly for a transition to the other chapters.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS or any of its characters.**

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"…And that's why we all need to be respectful of each other. When coworkers get along, the workplace is more productive and a happier place for everyone."

Special Agent Tony DiNozzo tipped back in his chair, glanced at his watch, and groaned. He had been sitting, bored out of his mind for almost an hour as the speaker from the Human Resources Department, Thomas Brown, droned on and on about making the workplace better.

On Tony's left, McGee was sitting straight in his chair, his gaze fixed on Brown. Tony peered closer and noticed that though McGee's was looking at the speaker, his eyes were glazed over and trained on the board behind the speaker's head.

Tony couldn't help but let out a snort. Even McGee couldn't pay attention to this.

Ziva leaned over from Tony's other side and poked his arm. "Pay attention," she hissed softly.

"Why? We don't need to learn any of this stuff. We know it already. We just don't do it."

"The Human Resources department disagrees with you, DiNozzo."

Tony looked up to find Director Vance standing over him, glaring. He let his chair fall back to the ground and looked down sheepishly.

"That's exactly why we need to work on our behavior," Brown said, jumping into the conversation excitedly. "Everyone knows what they should do, but they don't do it. With a few slight modifications, we could make NCIS a better place for everyone."

"Very true," Vance said, nodding. He glared at Tony again before striding to the front of the room and turning to face his employees. "Human Resources has re-vamped their policies pertaining to employee relations and workplace safety. These changes are in the new NCIS Employee Conduct Handbooks. The guidelines will formally be instated at the end of the month, so you have a grace period before they become active. Be sure to pick one up on the way out."

The trapped employees suddenly realized that they had been dismissed, and scrambled for the door.

Vance held up a hand as Ziva made a break for the door. "Not you, David. I need to talk to you, DiNozzo and McGee."

Tony smirked at Ziva as she made her way back to the door, obviously disappointed that she would have to stay in the conference room.

Vance waited until the crowd dwindled before speaking again. "The new rules in the handbook are technically still guidelines. They need to be field tested before we can make them official."

"I don't really see how we can help with that," McGee said doubtfully.

"We're using your team to for field testing."

"What?" McGee spat out.

Ziva shook her head. "No!"

"Gibbs will never let that happen!" Tony exclaimed vehemently. Gibbs loved rules, as long as he was the one to make them. But following ones made by Human Resources was a totally different story.

Vance shook his head. "It is. Next time, tell Gibbs that if he wants to run his team his way, he had better show up to the department meeting."

As Vance left the room, avoiding his employee's complaints, Brown slipped over to them. "It'll be easy, really. All you have to do is look over the handbook tonight so that you have a better understanding of the guidelines. Seeing how the guidelines work in action will help my depart do some last minute tweaking before they become official rules."

"Then what?" Tony asked, crossing his arms.

Brown smiled. "Then you just act like your normal selves. Whenever there's an incident, try to figure out what rule was violated and how you can solve the problem. Then record what happened and how you solved it."

"That's it?" McGee asked suspiciously. "No meetings?"

"I may ask for your feedback at the end, but it shouldn't take long." Brown smiled. "Relax, I'm sure that once you all understand how to act, you'll do fine. "

"Yeah, I'm sure," Tony muttered under his breath. "If we don't kill each other first."

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**The first actual chapter comes next. This was just an introduction.**


	2. Personal Space

**Here's the first actual chapter. I thought it was time for McGee to share some of his frustration about having no personal space boundaries.**

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_Personal space should be respected at all times. Avoid invading or disrupting a coworker's personal space. If your personal space has been invaded, politely ask your coworker to respect the boundary. Never react in an angry, physical, or violent way._

_

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_

"Tony."

"Yes, McGeek?"

"Could you please take a few steps back. You're making me uncomfortable."

Tony smirked and shook his head at McGee. "I'm not going anywhere, McClaustrophobic. I'm fine right where I am."

"Well, I'd appreciate having some personal space is all." McGee replied irritably. "I can feel you breathing on my ear."

"Really?" Ziva chimed in, silently appearing from nowhere over McGee's other shoulder. "Do I, too, make you nervous?"

McGee shrank towards his computers and away from his coworkers. "Yes. Please, could you guys just go away. You have your own computers and your own desks. Why is mine so fascinating all of a sudden?"

"It's really not." Tony admitted. "You're just so funny when you're flustered."

McGee turned to Ziva. "I followed Tony. I wanted to make your face turn that color…magoon, is it?"

"It's maroon, not magoon." Tony corrected.

"I don't care. If you two don't get away from my desk right now I can guarantee you that there will be some exiting shower action between Agents Tommy and Lisa in my next book." McGee snapped.

"Okay, okay." Tony relented, holding up his hands in mock surrender. "Geez, McGee. We were just trying to have some fun."

"Well, you can have it from your own desks."

McGee watched in satisfaction as Tony and Ziva returned to their own desks and left him alone to work. He relaxed back into his chair and closed his eyes in victory. He had resisted the urge to retaliate, just like the handbook said to. Maybe these new rules weren't so bad.

Just then, he felt someone breathing behind him. McGee frowned. So much for the handbook helping. He might be following the rules, but Tony and Ziva definitely weren't. Maybe it was time to combine calm speech with a little bit of physical force.

McGee reached back to grab his personal-space invader and growled, "Tony, I thought we just agreed that we would all stay at our desks."

"I'm not Tony, Elf Lord."

McGee looked up. The man he had grabbed was not Tony. It was Gibbs. And he didn't look very happy.

"Sorry, Boss, sorry." McGee said quickly, letting go and retracting his hand to a safe distance.

Gibbs scowled and smacked him over the head. "Apologies are a sign of weakness."

"Yes, Boss."

"Still, I'll take it. Just as long as you don't ever grab me there again, McGee."

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**Feel free to leave any ideas or spelling/grammatical errors in a review.**

**Also, I'm still not sure about this story, so tell me if you think I should continue.**


	3. Nicknames

**Thanks for all the support! I had a really rough day on Friday, and your reviews made it a lot better!**

**Also, for those of you who have asked, "The Turkey Incident" is another NCIS fic that I've been working on for more than a year. I can never seem to get the wording exactly how I want it. Hopefully I'll get it up this year (in time for Thanksgiving!)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS or any of its characters.**

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_Nicknames can be a touchy subject in the office. Some people like nicknames; others prefer that you use their given names. If unsure of what to call a coworker, always ask. They'll appreciate the fact that you took their feelings into account. Never use nicknames as a disruption or to anger a coworker._

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"Morning McGoo," Tony drawled as he walked past McGee's desk, "you certainly look happy this morning. Too happy."

Ziva glared at Tony, then turned and smiled at McGee. "Do not listen to him, McGee. Tony is just jealous."

"Jealous of what, Sweet Cheeks? What does McGeek over there have that I could possibly be jealous of?"

"Well, for starters, McGee manages to be happy in the mornings while you are miserable," Ziva said, shaking her head at Tony. "And because of that, Abby would rather spend her morning with him than talking to you."

Tony and McGee both looked up. Abby emerged from the elevator, skipping and twirling her way towards McGee's desk.

"Good morning, Timmy."

Tony tried to suppress a laugh. _Timmy_? Really?

"Morning, Abby," McGee replied, smiling up at her. He shot a glare across the bullpen. "Something funny, Tony?"

"Oh, nothing…it's just that nickname."

"Timmy?" Abby asked. "I always call him that. What's wrong with calling him Timmy?"

"Absolutely nothing, if you're younger than ten."

Abby pouted. "I think it's cute."

"Very cute. Like a five year old."

"Tony, be quiet and leave them alone." Ziva broke in. "There is nothing wrong with having a nickname for those who are close to you, is there, my little Hairy Butt?"

"Not at all, Sweet Cheeks," Tony shot back. "After all, I have nicknames for everyone. You're Zi and Sweetcheeks and Boss is, well, Boss. And McGee's are the best of all. McGoo. McGeek. McProbie."

"Well, mine is cuter," Abby said firmly.

"To you." Gibbs said as he strode past them. "Call him Timmy all you want, but he'll always be Elf Lord to me."

Tony, Abby and Ziva fought back laughter. McGee just glared. "I prefer McGee. Or Tim. Let's just stick to those."

Gibbs smirked at him from his desk and shoved a file toward McGee. "Whatever you say, Elf Lord. Now take this down to Ducky."

McGee rolled his eyes and left for the elevators with the box in his hands. The last thing he saw before the doors closed was Abby stepping closer to Ziva's desk and whispering, "You know, you never did tell me exactly how you know Tony's butt is hairy…"

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**Feel free to leave any spelling/grammatical corrections in a review. (Really, please do. I'm so tired that I'm sleep typing, so there's bound to be some mistakes in there.)**


	4. Vandalism

**This is kind of a short chapter. Still, enjoy.**

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_Vandalism of any kind is unacceptable. Office property-the building ,computers, chairs, etc.- should be treated with care._

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"David."

"Yes, Gibbs?"

Gibbs gave Ziva a strange look. "Do you mind telling me why there's a knife in the ceiling?"

Ziva shrugged innocently and looked up. "It could belong to anyone. Most people carry some kind of a knife around with them."

"True. But most of those knives are made for cutting things on the go, not for taking down targets from across the room. Now, tell me again why there's a knife-which is definitely yours- hanging out of the ceiling above your desk."

"If you look closer, Boss, you can tell that there's a bullet hole right next to it." Tony pitched in from the other side of the bullpen.

Gibbs looked up. Sure enough, about a millimeter away from where the knife had stuck in the ceiling was a tiny bullet hole.

Tony nodded as Gibbs took in the state of the ceiling."Totally against office policy, I know. Looks like someone needs to brush up on their rules."

"I read the Handbook," Ziva said defensively. "Well, most of it. But I did not see anything about throwing knives or shooting bullets into ceilings."

"That's one of those rules that goes without being said," Tony replied, rolling his eyes.

Gibbs turned back to Ziva. Tony had a good point, but he wasn't sure whether he should be screaming at Ziva for shooting into the ceiling of a government agency or congratulating her for her aim.

As it turned out, he wouldn't have to choose.

"That's a some aim you've got there, David."

Gibbs didn't have to turn around the recognize Vance's voice. He nodded slightly and backed away, making a mental note to get this unspoken rule of common sense added to the next version of the handbook. Gibbs knew he really should fight him on this one, but, hey, it was Vance's agency, and he was free to decide exactly how many bullet holes he wanted in it.

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**As always, thanks for the reviews and story alerts. **

**Also, if you have an idea for a potential chapter or any suggestions, leave them in a review.**


	5. Sharing

**Tony, McGee, Abby, and Ziva are basically kindergarteners who also happen to be employed by the government. I thought it was time to show their true maturity level.**

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_Share whenever possible, as long as it is appropriate. You may not want to give up part of your lunch, but it will help everyone get along and help create a bond between coworkers._

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Gibbs watched the scene below develop in disgust from his position on the catwalk. He couldn't believe that three of his best agents- and Abby- were fighting over a candy bar.

"Ow! Tony! Just give some of it to me!" McGee begged, rubbing the spot on his arm where had pinched him.

"No, it is mine. I want it." Ziva growled, making a wild grab for the candy.

"Well, neither of you can have it. It's mine and I'm not sharing it with anyone else." Tony said, protectively drawing the large chocolate bar to his chest.

"Not even me?" Abby asked poutily. "Pretty please?"

Tony smiled at her. "Of course not, Abby, you can have as much as you want.

"Why can she have some and I cannot?" Ziva demanded.

"Because, Zee-vah, Abby is a nice person who says please instead of just taking what she wants."

"Actually," Abby broke in, "Please was my 'Plan B'. The original plan was to just grab it and run, but I couldn't get to the candy bar in time."

"Great. Then none of you get any of it."

"Tony," McGee groaned in frustration. "C'mon. None of us got to eat lunch and we're all starving. Why don't you just break it into four sections so we can all have some."

Tony glared at both and them and stuck his nose in the air. "Because, McGreedy, it's mine and I want it for myself."

"Oh, so now I'm the greedy one for wanting everybody to get a piece?" McGee demanded.

"Yes."

"Please, Tony." Abby begged exasperatedly. "Just a little piece."

"No."

Distracted by Abby and his argument with McGee, Tony stopped watching Ziva, who had tensed her muscles and was readying to spring on the object of desire at any moment.

"Fine." Ziva said, circling Tony. "If you do not feel inclined to share-"

"I don't." Tony affirmed.

"Then I will have to take it by force." Ziva finished. She sprung for the chocolate bar and ripped it out of Tony's hands, turned, and made a dash for the elevator.

"Not so fast."

They all stopped and looked for the source of the voice. It was Gibbs, standing at the corner of the bullpen, blocking Ziva's getaway path.

"You four are grown adults acting like children. If anyone saw this in public, they'd think NCIS is a joke. Haven't you read the Handbook? I really shouldn't have to say this, but if you can't find a way to share this-" He paused, looking at them, then continued, "Which I'm guessing you can't, then I'll have to take it."

"But-"

"No buts," Gibbs said firmly, taking the candy bar away from Ziva. He leaned over and gave each of them, except Abby, a head slap."Now get back to work."

They scrambled to do so as Gibbs strode authoritatively over to the elevator. He hadn't read the Handbook, but there was probably something about sharing in there. Not that it mattered, because judging from the looks on their faces, none of them had read it either. As the doors slid shut he unwrapped the chocolate and smiled. "Good thing, too. More for me."

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**I hoped you liked it. Compared to my other chapters, this one is my favorite. Tell me what you think in a review.**

**Thanks for all the reviews, alerts, and favorites. Keep 'em coming!**


	6. Sleeping on the Job

**Thanks for the reviews, alerts, and favorites. They helped me write this chapter much faster than I'm usually able to!**

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_The office is a place for work. We ask that you respect that and devote yourself to your work during your time here. Dozing off may seem harmless, but it could result in demerits or other disciplinary actions, which will be recorded on your permanent file._

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_

Tony looked up and blinked. He was sitting at his desk, typing. That was normal. Everything on his desk was in its place. Tony frowned. Something was off. There were no noises in the office. It looked like he was the only one there.

Tony looked back at his computer and glanced over what he had been typing moments ago. "_The victim was Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs_," he read aloud. "_Preliminary findings indicate that his death was caused by a caffeine overdose_-what?"

He frowned again. Gibbs was dead? He didn't remember that, or typing the report. Come to think of it, he didn't remember anything before reading over what was on his computer.

"Boo!"

Tony whirled around to find Ziva sitting on the other corner of his desk, smiling down at him.

"What was that for? You nearly gave me a heart attack!" Tony panted.

Ziva smirked. "Well, you deserve it. After all, you are cancelled on your date to work late."

Tony frowned. That would explain why nobody else was there. But since when had he ever volunteered to stay late?

"Thank you," Ziva continued. "I many not have been able to go otherwise."

Tony nodded, trying to figure out what was going on.

"There's McGee now."

Tony watched in fascination as McGee rounded the corner to the bullpen, dressed in a purple tuxedo with his hair gelled back. "Are you ready, Ziva?"

"Yes Timothy, my dear," Ziva replied, stretching out her arm. McGee took it and kissed her hand.

Tony followed the line of Ziva's arm and suddenly realized that she was now wearing a small purple and green bikini that matched McGee's tux.

"What? How did you do that?" Tony stammered.

"There's no time for that now," Ziva replied, flipping her hair back and jumping into McGee's arms. "We have to get to the party. Abby and Bert are waiting for us."

"Right you are, Darling," McGee said, lifting Ziva closer to his chest.

"Bert…as in the stuffed hippo?" Tony asked weakly.

"Of course," Ziva answered scornfully. "Who else would I be talking about?"

"I honestly don't know," Tony mumbled to himself as McGee carried Ziva away to the elevator. "What's going on here?"

Tony sat back down at his desk and lightly banged his head on his keyboard. That had been the strangest conversation he had ever had. As he continued ramming his head onto the keys, he felt a series of hard taps on the other side of his head..

"DiNozzo. Gear up. We've got a dead marine in Norfolk."

"Boss?" Tony asked, blinking and looking up. "I thought you were dead."

Gibbs glared down at Tony. "What are you talking about?"

"Yes, Tony, what are you talking about?" Ziva asked, appearing behind Gibbs.

Tony peered around Gibbs to get a better look at her. "Where's your bikini?"

"What bikini?" Gibbs and Ziva said in unison.

"The bikini that you were wearing ten minutes ago!" Tony shouted.

"Tony, it is the middle of winter," Ziva replied slowly. "I have not worn a bikini in months, especially not to work."

Tony frowned. "So McGee's not wearing that purple tux either, then?"

"Nope," McGee called from his desk.

Gibbs shook his head and tossed a set of car keys to McGee. "You drive, McGee. DiNozzo isn't lucid enough." He slapped the back of Tony's head and shot him a disgusted glare before leaving.

"That's why you shouldn't sleep at work, Tony," McGee said, packing his bag. "You miss important things. It's in the Handbook."

Tony nodded absently and stood up. The dream had been so real that he didn't have a comeback. "I should have known it when Ziva started using contractions," he muttered to himself.

"Really, Tony?" Ziva said, shaking her head in disgust. "You failed to pick up on the fact that I was wearing a bikini in winter and McGee was wearing a purple tuxedo?"

"And that Gibbs died of a caffeine overdose," Tony admitted sheepishly.

Ziva shook her head again. "How is it that you cannot stay awake at work for five minutes but that you somehow tricked yourself into thinking that your dream was real? I would love to see how your mind came up with all of that, if I were not so afraid to do so."

Tony nodded and let Ziva exit the bullpen in front of him. As he watched her walk away, he remembered how vivid the part with her in the bikini had been. "I would too, Ziva."

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**This one was kind of strange, but I like how it turned out. Tell me what you think!**

**Also, if you have any ideas or a subject that you think should be included in this story, PM me or leave it in a review.**


	7. Corporal Punishment

**Here's the next chapter. I wanted Vance and Brown (from Human Resources) to get involved again.**

**Also, I'd like to thank MissJayne, for consistently reviewing my story.**

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_Never use or threaten to use corporal punishment to correct an employee's behavior. It abuses your power and is blatantly against NCIS policy. Using this technique for discipline will cost you the respect of employees and your job._

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Tony winced as Gibbs's hand made contact with the back of McGee's head. He nodded sympathetically and watched Gibbs storm away. "Is it just me, or is the Boss Man especially slappy today?"

"Definitely," McGee confirmed. "That was at least my third one today. He's gotten you about five times and Ziva a couple, too."

"Twice," Ziva called over from her desk.

"And it's barely noon," McGee added. "At this rate, we might not make it to the end of the day."

"You definitely won't if you don't sit down and get some work done," Gibbs threatened, striding back into the bullpen with a cup of fresh coffee while slapping McGee with his spare hand.

"That makes four," McGee silently mouthed to Tony, rubbing the back of his skull.

"You too, DiNozzo," Gibbs said, slapping Tony. "Now get to work."

"Yes, Boss. Right away," Tony nodded.

"Agent Gibbs."

"What now?" Gibbs groaned, glaring up from his desk.

McGee, Tony, and Ziva looked up to see Thomas Brown, the man from Human Resources who had created the new Employee Handbook.

"What?" Gibbs repeated angrily.

"I just saw you use corporal punishment on two employees within thirty seconds," Brown said, crossing his arms.

Gibbs squinted and stared at Brown."So…?"

Brown tapped his left foot angrily. "Corporal punishment is against office policy. If any one of your employees, or myself, reported you, you could lose your job."

"I'm pretty sure that's not going to happen," Gibbs replied, looking back at the papers on his desk.

"It could very easily-" Brown began.

"No, it couldn't."

Brown turned to see Director Vance, standing at the window with his arms crossed. "Let's take a walk," Vance said. "You too, Gibbs."

Gibbs shrugged and followed Vance and Brown away from the bullpen toward the stairs to the catwalk.

"Mr. Brown, I appreciate the fact that corporal punishment is not tolerated at NCIS," Vance began, jogging up the stairs, "but Gibbs is a, well, special case."

Brown shook his head. "No one is exempt from the rules."

Vance leaned against the rail and turned to face Brown and Gibbs. "Agent Gibbs isn't being exempted. Think of him as a 'special circumstance'."

"And how is that?" Brown asked.

Gibbs folded his arms across his chest and stared Brown in the eyes. "It get me results. Also, I've never had an employee complain."

"I just saw you slap two employees," Brown said. "They both looked like they were in pain and that they were too threatened by you to say anything. Are you really telling me that you've never had a single employee complain?"

"Not to Human Resources," Gibbs smirked.

"Gentlemen, let's try to come to an agreement," Vance said, nodding to the other two men. "Brown, get on board with this 'special circumstance.' If you ever actually have a complaint, you're free to investigate it. And Gibbs…try to keep it to a maximum of three head-slaps per day, per employee."

Gibbs nodded, barely resisting the urge to smile. "I can't promise that. You know how DiNozzo can get."

"Well, do your best," Vance nodded back, dismissing Gibbs.

Brown frowned as the agent walked away. "But-"

"No," Vance said. "The numbers speak for themselves. His team closes the one of the highest percentage of cases in the entire agency, and there are no complainants. We're done here."

The Director turned on his heel and disappeared around the corner, leaving Brown alone on the catwalk.

Brown frowned. From what he had seen recently, Gibbs and his team seemed to have a general disregard for the rules. He was going to have to reevaluate his plans for testing the Handbook.

Tony flicked a paper clip at McGee. "So, do you think Human Resources is going to make Gibbs stop slapping us?"

"Nope," Gibbs said, striding into the bullpen and giving Tony a hard head slap. "The Director gave it the okay. Said that since it gets results, it becomes a 'special circumstance'. So unless one of you wants to complain to Human Resources, expect this for the rest of the time you work here. Or until you learn how to work properly. Whichever comes first."

Tony groaned internally and flopped down in his chair, exchanging glances with McGee and Ziva. They had a painful future to look forward to at NCIS.

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**Thanks for the great reviews on the last chapter. Each and every one made my day.**


	8. Practical Jokes

**Wow, I really suck at updating. Sorry about the long break. Still, I hope everyone enjoys the update.**

**This chapter is dedicated to MaeganM.0816, who submitted this idea a few weeks ago.**

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_Practical Jokes, or 'pranks,' are not permitted in the office. What temporarily entertains you may seriously offend, embarrass, or, possibly, harm your coworkers. Pulling pranks on the people you see every day is sure to lead to an uncomfortable work environment._

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_

"Be right back," McGee said absently to Tony and Ziva as he stood up and walked out of the bullpen.

Tony smiled and slid out of his seat. He waited until McGee was out of hearing distance and clapped his hands together gleefully. "Showtime."

Ziva arched an eyebrow and looked up at him."What do you mean?"

Tony rubbed his hands together and skipped over to Ziva's desk. "I thought that McGoo was getting a little too cocky. After all, he is, and will always be, Probie. So I decided to teach him a lesson."

"By doing what, exactly?" Ziva sighed wearily.

"Just a harmless prank," Tony said. "What's wrong? I thought that you'd enjoy this almost as much as me."

"Your pranks are amusing, Tony," Ziva replied slowly, "but at some point they get a bit childish. It is one of the few things I agree with in the Handbook. I think it is time that you leave McGee alone."

"Well, I don't. Besides, this was too perfect to pass up," Tony replied sourly. "Every day, around now, he goes to the bathroom, then to the break room to get a snack. The set up was already there."

"What are you planning to do to him?"

Tony grinned again. "I thought I'd go old school. The classic bucket-of-water-on-top-of-the-doorframe. As soon as the Probie walks through the door, he's going to get drenched."

Ziva frowned. "That is simple and childish, Tony. It suits you perfectly."

"Fine," Tony said, retreating back to his own desk. "You don't have to enjoy it. But I guarantee that the next time you see McGoo, he'll be soaking wet."

Tony sat down and started typing angrily, glancing up every few seconds to see if Ziva was showing a change in heart. Ten minutes later, she was still focused on her computer, and McGee hadn't returned from the bathroom.

"Hmmm. The Probie should be back by now. It's been a while," Tony mused out loud to himself. "I hope he isn't having problems in there. I have to go, but I don't want to risk the smell."

Ziva glared at Tony from her desk. "Do not be disgusting, Tony. Most likely, he has already fallen victim to your childish prank, and is in Abby's lab drying off."

Tony nodded. "That makes sense."

"It is the most logical explanation for why McGee has not returned."

"In that case, I think I'll take a trip to the bathroom myself," Tony said happily, jumping away from his desk. "Though, I wish I had gotten to admire my handiwork."

Ziva watched him round the corner, then waved to the other side of the office and mouthed, "he left."

McGee snuck around the corner and grinned at Ziva. "Thanks. Did he buy it?"

Ziva smiled back. "Completely. He even believed that I did not want to take part in the prank."

"Thanks for not letting him do that to me."

"I thought that Tony was, as he said, 'getting too cocky,' and needed to be reminded of his position on the team," Ziva replied. "And though Tony is excellent at planning practical jokes, he does not execute the set-up well. It is hard to rig a bucket of water to a door without attracting attention."

McGee nodded and sat down at his desk. "It was too perfect to pass up. He did all the work for us."

"ARRRRGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Ziva chuckled as what was undoubtedly Tony shrieking ripped through the office. "I think he opened the door. I wonder how long it will take him to realize that we put green dye in the water?"

"Probably not too long. He'll look in the mirror soon," McGee smiled. "But at least he gets to admire his own handiwork."

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**I didn't know where this one was going until the very end, so I hope it wasn't confusing.**

**Feel free to leave any suggestions or corrections in a review. If I use your idea, I'll make sure to dedicate the chapter to you.**


	9. Personal Hygiene

**I had a really hard time writing this chapter, and it feels amazing to finally get it out. As usual, thanks for the reviews.**

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"_The office is a place for work. Always take care of matters of personal hygiene at home. If this is absolutely impossible, use a short trip to the bathroom to take care of your problem."_

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_

Ziva sat at her desk, typing a report that was due to Vance at the end of the day while trying to ignore the metallic clicks coming from the other side of the bullpen. She looked over at Tony in disgust.

"Must you do that here?" Ziva demanded.

Tony paused and glared back at her. He was reclined in his desk chair with his bare feet on his desk, clipping his toenails. "Yes Ziva. I must. I haven't clipped my nails in weeks. Some of them were starting to get ingrown."

McGee wrinkled his nose. "That's disgusting, Tony."

"Well, so are ingrown toenails, Probie." Tony replied. "I thought that I'd save myself a some money by clipping them now instead of getting them removed surgically."

"That doesn't mean that you have to do it here," McGee protested. "This has to be against office policy."

Tony shrugged and returned to clipping his nails. "The thought did cross my mind. But at home, I would have to clean up the clippings on my own. At work, the custodial staff does it for me."

"That is not their job, Tony," Ziva said, rolling her eyes. "Are you almost done?"

"Almost," Tony nodded, clipping another nail. It flew away from the desk and landed across the bullpen. "Whoa. That was a big one."

McGee slammed a hand down and his desk and glared at Tony. "This has to stop."

"Not yet. I'm only done with one foot."

"Do the other one in the bathroom," McGee demanded.

Tony wrinkled his nose. "Ewww. Do you have any idea how gross the floor in there is? There is no way that I'm going barefoot in there."

"What is taking so long?" Ziva moaned.

Tony glared at her. "Well, Ziva, nail trimming is an art."

"An art?" McGee repeated dubiously.

"Yes, McDoubtful, an art," Tony confirmed. "Each nail has to be cut into the perfect shape-which is unique to each toe-so that it grows back correctly."

"Tony, it is freezing outside," Ziva pointed out. "Your toes will be covered for months. Even during the summer, they will most likely remain covered up."

"Ahh, yes, but then they'll have grown back into perfect shapes," Tony replied calmly.

"I give up," McGee groaned.

"Then do something useful and get back to work," Gibbs commanded, pausing his stride through the bullpen to slap McGee's head.

McGee turned, flabbergasted, between Gibbs and Tony. "But- but-Do you really not see what he's doing over there?"

"I see it," Gibbs said, taking a sip of coffee. "And I hope that he has the common sense to stop."

Tony glanced up from his desk and nodded towards Gibbs. "Sure thing, Boss. I've just got one last whopper to take care of first."

Tony stuck his tongue out at McGee, then clipped the last nail.

"Tony-" Ziva began.

"What now, Ziva? I'm done. Stop bugging me about it."

"Tony," she said more forcefully.

McGee looked at Ziva, then followed her gaze to Gibbs. The older man was sitting at his desk, staring at his fresh cup of coffee in disgust.

"What happened, Sweet Cheeks? Did a nail land on you?"

McGee shook his head. "No, worse. Rule twenty-three."

Tony looked up to McGee, then to Ziva. "What's the problem?" He asked, turning to Gibbs. He followed the line of Gibbs' furrowed brow down to his coffee. "Oh."

"DiNozzo," Gibbs said quietly. "Run."

"What?" Tony asked weakly.

"Run," Gibbs repeated. "Before I kill you."

Tony jumped away from his desk and took off, leaving his socks and shoes behind.

Ziva made eye contact with McGee and shrugged. They might have to put up with the smell of Tony's shoes for the day, but she was almost certain that Tony would never clip his nails in the office again.

* * *

**Ah, rule #23. Never mess with a marine's coffee if you want to live.**

**This year, I swear that I am going to try my absolute hardest to finish my Thanksgiving story and post it. I have three days. It could happen. Let's hope it does, or I'll have to wait another year until it's appropriate to post it again.**


	10. Misuse of Office Property

**It's been awhile since I updated this. I lost my inspiration and had a lot of trouble writing the ending for this one. I'm not quite satisfied with it, but hopefully I'll update more frequently from now on.**

* * *

_"Hobbies should be kept at home. Office time and materials should only be used to do work. To avoid misusing office property, always put work first in the office."_

* * *

"C'mon, c'mon," McGee muttered under his breath, frantically clicking his mouse without taking his eyes off his computer. "Just a little bit more…"

"A little bit more what Probie?" Tony called from across the bullpen. "Time? Loving? Effort?"

"Nothing, Tony," McGee replied. "Mind your own business."

Tony slid out of his chair and walked over to Ziva's desk. "Did you hear that, Sweet Cheeks? The Probie told me to mind my own business. Sounds defensive."

"He does sound suspicious," Ziva agreed. "And a bit guilty. Perhaps he is hiding something over there?"

"Definitely," Tony said. "Let's go take a look."

Tony walked over to McGee, but stopped short of his desk. "You had better not be on a dirty website, McLoser. I don't want to know what kind of stuff you're into."

McGee looked up at Tony and rolled his eyes. "I am not watching porn at work, Tony. Now go sit down."

"You're right, Ziva," Tony grinned from McGee's desk. "He definitely guilty."

"He has good reason to be," Ziva agreed. "Computer games at work? That seems unethical."

McGee spun around to face Ziva, who was peering over his shoulder at his computer. He hastily turned the monitor off. "How did you get back here?"

"She's a ninja, McGeek," Tony drawled. "And really? A computer game? I thought you'd want a break from those, since that's what you do whenever you're not at work."

"I do other things besides play games," McGee replied defensively. "And this is just a one-time thing."

"Oh, really?" Tony asked.

McGee rolled his eyes. "Yes, really. I've been playing in a tournament. It was supposed to be over last night, but it went into overtime."

"Overtime for a videogame tournament?" Ziva repeated dubiously.

"Yes," McGee replied hotly. "It should be over soon, if you two would just go sit down and let me finish here."

"I'm afraid I can't do that," Tony said. "It would be wrong for me to let you keep doing this at work now that I know you're on a dirty website."

"It's a gaming site, Tony, not a porn site."

"Ah, but that's where it gets tricky," Tony nodded, sitting down on the corner of McGee's desk. "You love your games as much as other men love porn. Therefore, this is the equivalent of watching porn at work."

"Not to mention that you are using your work computer during work hours," Ziva added.

Tony nodded at Ziva and then returned his attention to McGee. "So, really, it would be unethical for us to ignore your blatant misuse of office property. It even says so in the Handbook."

McGee rolled his eyes at Tony. "You didn't even read the Handbook. Besides, last week you used a year's worth of paperclips and glue to make a crappy sculpture."

"It was abstract, not crappy," Tony corrected. "And I never got to finish it because I ran out of paperclips."

"What a surprise," McGee muttered.

"What's that, Probie? An admission of guilt?"

"What do you want, Tony?"

Tony glanced at Ziva, then at McGee. "A want all your paperclips so that I can finish my sculpture."

"Done," McGee replied, reaching into his desk for the clips. "Ziva?"

"I want you to finish my report for me by tomorrow morning."

"Okay," McGee said enthusiastically, handing Tony the paperclips and nodding at Ziva. He might just be able to finish the tournament.

Ziva leaned closer to his ear as Tony sat down at his desk. "And I want you to help me dispose of Tony's 'sculpture' when he is done with it. It is rather grotesque looking."

McGee nodded and grinned, turning back to his game.

"What the hell is going on here?"

McGee looked up quickly, only to find Director Vance glaring at him and Tony.

"Why is David the only one working?" Vance demanded.

"I-erm…" McGee stammered.

Vance glanced at McGee and shook his head. "Never mind. I don't think I want to know," he sighed, turning around. "But I think I'll take this with me."

He scooped up Tony's sculpture and glared at them. "Now get back to work."

"But McGee wasn't working either!" Tony protested.

Vance shrugged and looked back at the sculpture. "At least he didn't waste a year's worth of paper clips."

McGee grinned went back to his game. Both Tony and Vance would probably make him pay for this later, but he was going to enjoy the rest of his game first.

* * *

**I usually respond to all of my reviews, but I was so swamped over the holidays that I didn't get a chance to. So, thanks to all the people that I never got back to. I'll try harder this time.**


	11. Inventory

**I wrote the first part of this a couple of months ago, but could never find a way to end it. I'm not entirely satisfied with it, but I think it's time to give it a try.**

**

* * *

**

_During hard economic times, office supplies are limited. One of the best ways to extend supplies is to take inventory regularly and carefully. A reliable inventory can help the office save money and better supply its workers. Though it may seem tedious, it will benefit everyone in the end._

_

* * *

_

"I can't take this anymore," Tony proclaimed, dropping his clipboard and pen and flopping down on the floor. "Inventory is just too boring."

"Stink it up, Tony," Ziva replied crossly. "We're only here because of you."

"I think you mean suck it up, Ziva," McGee corrected. "And she's right Tony. This is all your fault."

"Hey!" Tony said, pouting. "This is so not my fault."

"Tony, Vance is making us do this because he found your collection of paper airplanes, their sticky note pilots and the rubber band and paperclip slingshots you were using to launch them. How is that not your fault?"

"It's not like I meant for him to find them."

McGee rolled his eyes. "You left them on top of your desk in plain sight. They're kind of hard to miss."

Tony crossed his arms and glared at McGee. "I left them there when I went to the bathroom. How was I supposed to know that Vance would walk by?"

"Because he likes to make sure that we're actually working?"

"Okay. Fair enough. But how was I supposed to know that he would make us all do inventory?"

"Because there have been three meetings about budget cuts in the last month and numberless emails." Ziva snapped. "Even the Handbook says that inventory is important. You should not have wasted all those materials. We may not get more until next year."

"You really think that Vance would stop giving us office supplies?" Tony asked skeptically. "If he wants everyone to get work done, he can't take away working materials."

"Just us, Tony. He would only take them away from us," McGee replied. "And it's countless, Ziva. Not numberless."

"Whatever," Ziva said, rolling her eyes. "Tony, stand up. We are almost done checking the staples and pens. We may be able to finish this today."

Tony moaned and sunk lower against the wall. "This is taking forever. We're never getting out of here."

"Okay, we're done." McGee said happily, stepping back from the shelf in front of him.

Tony looked up. "What? How?"

McGee rolled his eyes and gathered his clipboard and pen. "Well, Tony, while you were whining on the floor, some of us were actually doing inventory. It's like the tortoise and the hare- slow but steady wins the race."

Tony shrugged. "I never really understood that. It doesn't make sense."

"The tortoise wins despite its speed because it never stops," Ziva explained, heading for the door. "The hare is fast, but gets bored and takes a nap. It actually works very well if you apply it to yourself and McGee."

"Being fast helps me stay on Gibbs' good side," Tony said. "Which is why he's going to be way less mad at me for missing work to do inventory when I make it back to the Bullpen first with a cup of coffee for him." He jumped up and nearly tripped, steadying himself on the nearest shelf.

"Tony, no!" Ziva cried.

Tony turned back around slowly and watched in horror as the shelf he grabbed toppled into the next one, creating a domino effect across the room.

Tony winced as the hours of tedious work – albeit mostly due to Ziva and McGee – crashed to the ground. "I guess you guys were right. Slow but steady does win the race."

McGee took a deep breath and shook his head. "I am going to kill you."

Tony chuckled and backed away from Ziva, who, unlike McGee, really might kill him. "It was an accident," he protested weakly.

"So was the hare falling asleep and losing the race," Ziva said, glowering at him. "But in this version of the story, the hare is going to die."

McGee nodded and continued, "The turtle is going to kill him, with a little help from his ninja sidekick. That is, kill him after the hare finishes taking inventory."

Tony moaned and started putting the shelves back up. As much as he hated doing inventory and extended metaphors, he was more afraid of being murdered slowly with paperclips by a turtle and his ninja sidekick.

* * *

**As always, feel free to correct any spelling/grammatical errors. Also, once again, I'm running out of ideas. Suggestions are always welcome.**


	12. Break Time

**I realize that I haven't updated this in a while, but I had some free time and the idea came pretty easily. Enjoy!**

* * *

_Breaks are designed as brief periods of relaxation so employees that they can return to work recharged and with a positive attitude. Employees should use this time as an opportunity to snack and stretch. Though employers are required to allocate a certain amount of time each day for breaks, it is important for employees to remember that these times are privileges that should not be abused for personal gain._

* * *

Gibbs stomped out of the elevator with a scowl on his face. He was having a particularly bad day. Abby and Ducky had made little progress on their case and, to make things worse, he had been deprived of his fourth cup of coffee.

He rounded the corner to the bullpen. His team better have some information ready for him. "All right, what've we got?"

There was no answer. Gibbs frowned and looked around. None of his employees were at their desks. Swearing under his breath, he turned on his heel and stalked toward the breakroom.

He stopped short of the door and peered through the gaps between the blinds of the window. Sure enough, his team was sitting on the couch with a bowl of popcorn on the coffee table.

Gibbs put on his meanest Bossman scowl and threw the door open. "What the hell are you all doing? Get back to work!"

Tony, Ziva, and McGee turned away from the television to face him. "Hey, Gibbs," McGee spluttered.

"Get back to work! We've got a killer to catch!"

"No can do, Boss," Tony replied, hitting the pause button. "We haven't taken a break all week. That adds up to three hours of uninterrupted break time. We've only used forty five minutes so far."

Gibbs blinked, momentarily confused. DiNozzo didn't usually sound that informed about anything. "You have got to be kidding me."

"He's right. It's in the Handbook," McGee added, shifting uncomfortably under Gibbs's gaze.

"Besides, the murder was a crime of passion, so it is unlikely that our killer will act again," Ziva added.

"Right," Tony nodded, hitting play. "So, if you'll excuse us, we still have to finish this episode of _Toddlers & Tiaras_ before we can start on the _Keeping Up with the Kardashians_ that McGee so kindly Tivoed."

"I aim to please," McGee commented, scooping up a handful of popcorn.

Gibbs shut his eyes and took a deep breath. He would not lose his temper. That had already failed him. "So, this crap is the reason why none of you are doing your jobs?"

"Hey! This isn't crap. This is….research on the American culture. It's helping Ziva learn about American society. It's educational," Tony protested.

Gibbs rolled his eyes and glanced at Ziva. She simply shrugged and turned back to the television. "I do find these shows oddly fascinating."

Gibbs shook his head. He strode toward the wall and ripped the cable box away from the television, ignoring the cries and threats from his team. "If you want education about America, open a history textbook. Otherwise, get back to work."

"Human Resources will be hearing about this!" Tony cried as Gibbs strode back toward the bullpen with the cable box.

"Uh-huh," Gibbs muttered. "We'll see how that goes."

* * *

_Amendments to the Break Time Rule: _

_1. Employees may not use "roll-over" break time as an excuse to avoid work._

_2. Employers may not use the violation of the above rule to justify the destruction of office property._


End file.
